Several years ago, I was privileged to speak at a camp for a Ladies Retreat and asked one of my dear friends to join me. Diane had recently experienced a loss in her life and it was good to spend time together. When we arrived at the camp, she asked where we would be sleeping and I pointed to a cinderblock building across the way.

As we got settled in, we both heard a sound. Startled, Diane, who was lying down on one of the beds said, “What was that?” I didn’t know, but as I turned toward the vanity, I saw the culprit. On the sink was a fan and crawling out of the fan, was a snake! I screamed, jumped up on the bed (fortunately for both of us, Diane had moved), and plastered myself against the wall…all while continuing to scream. To put it mildly, I am not a fan of snakes. We were both in shock and not at all happy about our wildlife sighting. After what seemed like forever, the camp manager came and removed the snake from underneath the vanity. Our hero!

I’m not sure what I said that evening, but it was spoken with great conviction and passion, as my heart was still racing from the snake incident.

Later in the evening, while visiting around the campfire, some ladies came up to me and said, “You know what they say, Linda…where there’s one snake, there may be two.” I am still here to tell the tale, which means there were not two snakes. Thank goodness.

While speaking at the morning session the next day, I challenged the ladies with the verse from Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

With some humor, I told the ladies I did not need to hear about the possibility of two snakes and they needed to repent of their words. We all had a good laugh and I learned an important lesson…words matter.

In my last blog post I talked about the value of listening and hearing the heart of people. How we respond to their heart can be either helpful or hurtful.

To be helpful, instead of hurtful, we need to be willing to practice empathy, discernment, and to draw near.

Practice Empathy…
To help instead of hurt, we have to allow people to feel what they feel, without judgment. We experience fear, anger, frustration, disappointment, and a myriad of other emotions. We have difficult days, decisions, and delays. God gave us emotions. We hurt, we cry, and it’s okay. As Christians we tend to minimize our pain and think of ourselves as not trusting enough or not believing enough because of the way we feel, when the reality is, God created us to feel and uses those emotions to draw us closer to Himself.

A friend was sharing her pain and anger as she was recalling the loss of her child. About halfway through, she stopped, looked at me and said, “Is it okay if I feel this way?”I responded, “It sure is.” and she continued on. After a time, I emphasized she could feel that way, but it was important for her not to stay there. We began the process of moving forward and I realized there is no such thing as closure. A loss is a forever loss. We establish a new normal and long for the day when “joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

We need to give people time to feel and everyone has a different timeline.

Practice Discernment…
We must also be careful when using “Christian quips and clichés.” Comments such as, God’s got this, this is all part of His plan, or God will use this, are all true, but can be hurtful in the moment. Instead of trying to say the right thing or “fix” their brokenness, the best way we can love someone in the midst of pain, is to join them in it. To feel their pain. Allow them to hurt without judgment. Be patient. Eventually, there will come a time when we can share truth and hope from God’s Word and provide words of encouragement, but we have to be compassionate and discerning with the timing.

Draw Near…
A lot of times, nothing we say will bring any comfort in the midst of brokenness and heartache. In those moments, we speak more through our hugs, shared tears, and our presence, than words will ever be able to say. The act of drawing near and being present speaks volumes, without you having to say a word.

Will you go a step further and put love into action with me?

This month, I want us to commit to doing 3 things:

1- Memorize Ephesians 4:29– “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

2- Pray before you speak. Ask God to give you wisdom in knowing what and when to speak. Listen to the heart of the person sharing.

3- Stay in the Word. Jesus is the perfect example of love, compassion, and drawing near.